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Articles
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Past Mistakes and Future
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Closing All Your Doors
Have you ever wondered why in a relationship, things did not always go as planned and why you just could not seem to give 100% of yourself in your relationship. That being totally open and honest with yourself and your partner. It for the most part seems to come down to you saying " I just do not want to be hurt again" or "I am just not ready". Well think about these things again. These statements are you still living in the past and letting the person that you left also control your future. Our past should not be something that we let control our future. The past is just that and that is where it should remain. Dealing with things so that the door can be closed on that chapter in your life is not always an easy thing to do but doing this makes for less chaos in your life in the future.
When we start letting the past control the actions of our future then we really have not left the past. Now in my experience not knowing that I was letting this happen was the battle because this lead to denial and most people generally are not aware that this is what is going on. They know the past is affecting them, but they are not aware to what degree or how it is changing them as a person and their outlook on life. Saying that you do not want to get hurt or that you are not ready, well while this seems like a reasonable outlook after dealing with such a "controlling, abusive, lying, or cheating" partner, it is really just a crutch. Yes that is what I said, "a crutch".
Admitting this was one of the most important turning points in my life. Denial is the biggest thing that is what I had to learn to deal with. The letting go and closing the door. Making excuses for the main issue does not make it go away. When you start to compare the person that is in your life now or will be in your future with the people of your past who have hurt you, you are voluntarily letting them control their future as well. You are still attached to them in a way that is even worse than when you were together. Because now, it is isn't even a real person who controls you, it is but a shadow or what I like to call it an unclosed door. Either way it is unhealthy and destructive in your life no matter what you try to accomplish.
Ok so they say that, "Knowing is only half the battle." The other half is learning how to release your shadows and closing the doors on them for good. If you've found that you are unable to find a true commitment with someone, it is more than likely because you have a few shadows lurking around. The first step to releasing them is to find them. To do this you need to get in touch with yourself. You might want to try starting a routine of walking and journal writing. Both of these things are extremely important to achieving a complete recovery and should be done while alone, not in the company of other people. This is a time for personal discovery. You can't discover yourself when someone else is chatting in your ear. If you're wondering how in the world can you find time for this with your busy schedule, think again. You only need about 30 minutes each day to complete both exercises. Ten to fifteen minutes for your walk, and fifteen minutes for your journal writing.
While completing these exercises there are a few things to keep in mind. During the walk make sure you focus on the world around you. So take the time to notice the flowers blooming, the trees swaying, the color of the houses, etc. The real point of your walk is to take the focus off of "YOU" and to start paying attention to the things around you. Try and keep that in mind.
Now your journal writing is the total opposite. Here is where you will really delve into your "personal matters of the heart." The important thing to remember about your journal is that there is no right or wrong thing to write. Write whatever comes to mind. Being 100% open and honest with yourself is really important because really if you can not be totally honest with yourself who can you be honest with? Showing your journal to your partner or to anyone else, should be at your own discretion. If you are comfortable with your partner and or the someone else that is close to you in your life, and want to share these things that you have learned about yourself will help them understand what you are going through and they might even be able to help you out more than you think. Do not cut them out if you want to get closer. The material in your journal is not something to read and digest; it is done just to get whatever it is you're feeling out in the open. Before long being open and honest will become as natural as breathing.
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adviser
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