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Articles
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Dating mistakes
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Janet Jacobsen
http://www.new-dating.com/search.php
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6 Dating Mistakes To Avoid.
When I decided to write about specific problems people have in dating, I wanted a list of six, but I wasn't sure right off that I could name six.
When I got done with my list, I had 24 problems--and that was just a "rough draft" list.
Dating is a problem, all right..........
..........And unfortunately there are behaviors many of us do that cause us more grief than good.
Coincidentally, there are six I consider most universal.
1. Letting Fear of Rejection Stop You.
If the person has told you several times to go away, sooner or later you ought to accept the rejection and move along.
For most singles, though, the problem is that they pre-reject themselves.
When you decide this person might not want to meet you, wouldn't want to talk to you, or probably isn't interested in getting married right now anyway, you have not escaped rejection.
You've simply kept them from rejecting you, by rejecting yourself.
What counts most in dating is your ability to meet people and to communicate.
Both of these are learned skills.
You aren't necessarily a big hit at first and you get better with practice.
Rejecting yourself guarantees you will not make any progress in that area.
Consequently the 'success' of any social interaction is not in a certain outcome, but in the fact that you got some practice.
And a fringe benefit I've noticed lately--people are much more understanding and tolerant of major flub-ups when the person is making a sincere effort than they are of minor flubs from people who seem to think they already know it all.
2. Get a Phone Number, and Then Not Call.
This is not to say that you absolutely have to call everyone you ever got a number for: sometimes you didn't especially want the number in the first place.
The error here is when you wanted to call, but factors such as being busy and/or being chicken interfered.
Then suddenly you realize it's been so long that if you call now, they may not remember who you are.
One man I know insists that you must call a new number within three days.
There is no need to make a date or any other future plans.
The call can be to simply acknowledge having met the person--"I just called to say hi and that it was nice to meet you at the workshop.
Then, says my friend, you can wait months to call again and it will be acceptable.
But never wait months to call the first time.
3. I don't care; what do you want to do?
On the first few dates everyone is bending over backward to make a good impression, so much so that sometimes we practically stand on our heads rather than to make a firm statement on anything, in case the other person doesn't agree.
This leads to many fun hours sitting around tryinq to decide what to do and where to go on your date.
Solution: if you have agreed to go to dinner, but can't decide where, each must suggest three places (for a handy list of six).
Then each says what they like and/or don't like about each option, weeding things down until there's only one option left.
In other words, if I say "Forget the chicken place," then you must make the next step, such as speaking well of steak or being hesitant about Hunan.
You toss choices back and forth until you've agreed to one. If you still can't agree at this point, now would probably be a good time to break up the relationship.
4. It HAS to be THIS person.
When you meet someone do you get a wild rush of feeling that you will die at any moment unless this person is absolutely crazy about you?
When you're dating, do you agonize over everything you say and everything you do, because this person has to like you?
Now if you tell me you've got to have a pepperoni pizza or you cannot live,
I'm going to be skeptical. If you're so starved you'll settle for dry toast, on the other hand,
I figure this is serious.
This is not to advocate the "Anyone will do" position, by any means, but to give you some perspective.
Yes, you need attention from people; after all, you're a social animal.
No, it does not have to be this person.
Relax. If Abraham Lincoln could figure out that you can't please everybody, you can get it too.
Every person to come along is not the last person to come along. Relax.
5. Watching television.
Watching television may be fine when you're alone and you're too exhausted to move, but it's death on a date.
The point of dating is to get to know each other.
Activities where you are mentally involved and where you interact with each other do the most to help you get acquainted.
Activities where you only observe and are not actively interacting do the least (next to not being around each other at all) to help you get acquainted.
Now if you watch a program and then shut the box off and have a lively debate, then dating is working for you. If you spend four hours sitting parallel in the semi-dark, you're wasting your time.
TV watching is tough enough on established relationships (again, there's no demand on you as individuals).
If TV is all you can think of to do on first dates, better quit dating for a while and spend your time on getting some interests in your life.
6. Too Much Time Too Soon.
Well, when it's working, it's working, and boy is it easy to spend more and more and more time together, especially in the first excitement of getting to know each other.
But sooner or later you are going to have to do your laundry, and visit your family, and see your dentist and taking time away from the relationship can be very difficult indeed.
There seems to be an emotional connection between amount of time and amount of caring, to some people.
And when you say, Listen, I'm going to need my Tuesday evenings free for a while, to some folks you've just carved off and thrown away a chunk of your caring.
While it is possible to negotiate spending less time together and still save the relationship, for most people it's very difficult.
The cure is at the cause; don't rush into committing major chunks of time.
Be alert for patterns. If you're about to ask for your fourth Tuesday date in a row, consider how easy will it be to not call next Tuesday.
Besides, relationships built a little at a time seem to be a lot more solid than those heaped together in a hurry and leave figuring out the details for later.
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Janet Jacobsen
http://www.new-dating.com/search.php
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